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A Lert Minister – castle tour guide (Guild of Lert #3)

Image showing a Lert dressed in a shirt in front of Barnard Castle

After hearing about Dominic Cumming’s little jaunt up to Durham and visit to Barnard Castle I was dumbfounded. There was I thinking that Lerts fought evil microbes, protected hand sanitizers, modelled facemasks and generally led the fight against coronavirus. But I clearly missed an integral part of their job: organising castle tours. I’m dreadfully sorry, dear readers for this awful oversight.

As part of my apology to you for missing this most important part of their role, I’ve created a new illustration. Here I show the mighty Lert performing perhaps his most important role in the fight against Covid-19 – acting as a tour guide for castle visits. Please accept my sincerest apologies, readers, and, of course, Boris (I have failed you too). I hope this illustration makes up for my oversight.

Guild of Lert

This is the third in the Guild of Lert series. If you’re a lert yourself (or know someone else who is) then I recommend you check out the rest of the Lert series. Watch this space – Superlert and more coming soon.

A lert assassin (Guild of Lert #1)

Toilet roll hoard (Guild of Lert #2)

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UK’s naughtiest place names map

Map showing the UK’s naughtiest place names.

Why on earth would someone create a map of UK place names, naughty or otherwise, I hear you asking. Well, the story begins 10 years ago or so when I was staying in the North of England. One day my best friend called me up and asked if I wanted to go for a drive. Of course, I agreed, being young, carefree and childless.

The quest for Penistone

It was only once I’d got into her car that I thought to ask where we were going. ‘I thought we’d start at Ramsbottom’ she replied. She then went on to inform me that because Ramsbottom, Upperthong and (the crowning jewel of our quest), Penistone, were all pretty close together we could do a fairly efficient, cheek loop around all three. We grew up in Guildford where every teenager at one point or another has giggled about walking up Jeffries Passage. So we embarked on our hunt for Ramsbottom.

After we’d returned with photos, which I will not be sharing here, I began to research. I discovered that far from being unique to Sheffield and the surrounding area, funny place names abound throughout the UK. Wet Wang! Yes – that’s actually a real place and it’s on the map. Dicks mount, Twatt, Windy Nook (heh heh), Shitterton – all real places. There are bottoms, passages, ends, nooks and more all over our moist Isle. It’s rammed full of naughty, rude, dirty, funny and silly place names.

UK’s silliest place names

At that moment I decided they had to be immortalised. And not on some basic, PowerPoint mockup either. Oh no. They deserved to be a work of art. I was going to do a map of the UK’s silliest place names. Or possible the UK’s funniest place names. I hadn’t really got that far. Trouble was, I was pretty rubbish at drawing. So I didn’t do anything.

It’s taken 10 years, but one day I realised I‘d built up enough skills to execute my vision. But there was just one problem – there were just too many silly place names. My map was so full you couldn’t actually read any of the place names. Apparently there were more funny place names in the UK than I thought. I had to reassess.

The UK’s naughtiest place names

And that’s when I decided I could actually do a series of maps. My idle daydream had morphed into something awesome. And here it is. The first in the series: I give you, the UK’s naughtiest place names map. Enjoy.

Map showing the UK’s naughtiest place names.

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Evil Microbe and the Pastor #stayhome

Comic showing evil microbe dressed as Jesus telling a pastor that churches have to remain open. He says ‘a message from a Jesus! Praise the Lord’. Then you see a church full of people and evil microbes. The final panel shows god the father and Jesus having a conversation. Jesus says ‘what are they doing’ and God replies ‘God knows’.

Just been reading the news and today it was a triple whammy:

  1. Idiot President Trump has just deemed places of worship as ‘essential
  2. One American pastor refused to follow lockdown and insisted on keeping his church open. Now, there are a few of these but this guy is different because he’s just died of coronavirus.
  3. Another American pastor is in legal trouble after refusing to abide by social distancing guidelines. One of his congregation has just died and the lawyer representing him has just been hospitalised with Covid-19.

What’s an illustrator to do except express her ire, disgust and annoyance in a satirical comic.

Image of Gel Mel shrugging

I wish it goes without saying, but apparently it still has to said – please, please, please stay home. And when you have to go out, wear a mask.
If you haven’t already seen it, I highly recommend Tomas Pueyo’s articles on medium – this one is specifically about how wearing masks helps. Stay safe.

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A Lert Assassin (Guild of Lert #1)

Image of bobcat dressed as an assassin jumping on an evil microbe

Introducing my latest project – a series of illustrations dedicated to the guild of the lert. No one knows quite how they do it, but somehow they are extremely successful at fighting their first nemesis – the evil microbe. The first In the series is the Lert Assassin. Enjoy.
Need more lerts in your life? The lert returns in ‘Toilet Roll Hoard’.

Unfortunately the evil microbe has also returned to wreak more havoc – this time in a church. See it’s latest dastardly scheme in ‘evil microbe and the pastor’.

T shirts and mugs now available – show your allegiance now:

A lert assassin t shirt
A Lert Assasin mug
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When he was 2

Comic showing the differences between a two year old and a three year old. 2 year old is dressed in matching clothes and has a sweet, innocent expression. 3 year old has a manic grin, is wearing underwear on his head and is wearing a pillowcase as a cape.

Terrible twos. Pah. I laugh in the face of the terrible twos. Threes though? This is what I think of threes:

Threes scare me. Where did my well dressed little angel go? And who is this cross between a super hero and dinosaur that’s replaced him?

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People, people! Americans vs people

American superhero is talking about a threat to Americans. Another character scribbles out ‘American’ and writes ‘people’ instead

This series is about all things stereotype. It was born from my irritation at American characters in movies using ‘American’ or ‘Americans’ instead of people.

When I came up with the idea of having my alter-ego ‘correct’ one of these ridiculous comments I realised that this was definitely a comic series in the making.
I intend to do more of these, so if you want to see a particular obnoxious comment or phrase corrected by Gel Mel then let me know in the comments!

Comic: privileged white American whines

This one wasn’t intended, but the comment irritated me so much I just had to correct it. And it goes very well with the ‘America-centric’ theme of this post.

See Gel Mel correct gender stereotyping comments here: people, people! Gender stereotyping

And here Gel Mel corrects the clichéd statement ‘Life’s too short’ (I’ve always hated that one!)